Petey the Penman and his crime ring flaunting their haul. (Image credit: Jaime Mailloux)

This article is part of The Penmen Press’s annual April Fool’s edition. Even journalists need to have fun once in a while…

For a long time, Petey the Penmen has been a beloved mascot. Long considered to be a symbol of hope, progress and justice, Petey has been known as a source of inspiration to not only the SNHU community but also the global community.

However, a new era of heartbreak approaches. Following the recent decision to change the school mascot, Petey’s brain short circuited. Graduating from Mascot College in 1973, Petey earned his bachelor’s degree in mascot science. Seeing how he always loved the idea to either live free or die, and wanted to live like a Penmen, SNHU was an obvious choice.

However, he is no longer SNHU’s mascot. The former mascot is now a serial prankster. Mario Addario, a random dude who hangs out in the Green Center, gave a detailed account of an encounter he had with Petey.

“I was walking home to Washington Hall, when suddenly this man dressed in American Revolution attire threw a pie in my face! He then proceeded to break dance and laugh with the intensity of a hyena. The guy even flipped me off like I wasn’t even worth the patch of dirt I was standing on,” said Addario.

Throwing pies barely scratch the surface of Pete’s treachery. Most likely feeling emboldened by his current “living on the edge” lifestyle, Petey is believed to be responsible for jamming the fork and knife dispensers in the Dining Hall. Intelligence officials also believe he’s solely responsible for keeping the toilets in the Student Center men’s room stuffed to the brim with toilet paper.

Petey’s psychology profile reveals he is known for preferring to keep his hind in a bind, so his toilet paper escapade fails to surprise. Recent excerpts from WikiLeaks also highlight Petey’s involvement with the infamous hacktivist group, Anonymous. Next time students try to upload an assignment on Blackboard and wonder why the internet crashes, blame Petey.

Marilyn Blondroe, a random lady that loiters outside Robert Frost Hall, described her newfound feelings towards Petey.

“The poor guy is nuts. Being SNHU’s mascot was the only thing he had going for him. Well that and his bulbous blue eyes that make me feel like he stares directly into my soul,” Blondroe.

Petey is classified as merciless. Sensing his life is at a standstill has made him as rational as a hot-headed baboon. On campus students are strongly encouraged to travel in groups to reduce the chance of confrontation with this dastardly fellow.

An elite task force lead by Public Safety, dubbed PEN Team Six, has been charged with bringing in Petey for trial. The task force leader, Douglass Macarthur, was unavailable to shed light on the investigation. However, an anonymous source revealed Petey’s reckoning will be ending.

Given the circumstances, school officials are encouraging students to remember Petey for the mascot he used to be. “Remember him for the joy he brought to us all,” President Paul LeBlanc said “He came to help in times of need and even earned an invisible medal of freedom award. The Petey you need to keep seeing is the one that inspired us all to become a penman who never waivers, even if the quill is damaged.”

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