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APRIL FOOL’S: SNHU Blasting for Mole People

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This article is part of The Penmen Press’s annual April Fool’s edition. Even journalists need to have fun once in a while…

Early this year Southern New Hampshire University an­nounced that there would be controlled blasting throughout the February to facilitate the eventual construction of more administration buildings on the East Side of campus, and, while all of that is true, it isn’t the whole story.

Yes, the blasting is meant to make the construction of more administration buildings possible, but what was just an­nounced was SNHU’s intention for these buildings not to be used by current SNHU students, or even humans at all. The building are being made in order to facili­tate the quick enrollment of the immense Mole Person popula­tion that lies dormant just below SNHU’s campus.

It ends up that, just below the hollow crust of SNHU’s campus, lay 15,000 mole peo­ple who were discovered by SNHU’s resident geologist in training, Florence Bascom. She described them as, “hungry for daylight and a great secondary education.”

Bascom, went on to say in a press conference that, “These Mole People have never been observed by human eyes and it’s been impossible for them to tun­nel to the surface on their own.”

Shortly after this discovery was made, Paul LeBlanc made a statement on the school’s behalf.

“It doesn’t matter if you’re a man or a woman, black or white, human or mole person. You de­serve the right to a great educa­tion and that is something that [SNHU] has to offer. We accept good people, and it doesn’t mat­ter how deep below the Earth’s crust those good people come from.”

The recent news has struck a chord with many students who praised President LeBlanc’s forward think on Mole People rights.

SNHU junior, Richard Rid­er, said, “I’m incredibly proud of Paul and [SNHU]. As far as I know, we are the first major uni­versity in this country to allow the enrollment of Mole People.”

Although some students have voiced their concerns about their new perspective classmates who could be joining them as soon as next fall.

Sophomore, Jack Ennis said, “I don’t have anything against Mole People, but they’ve lived below the surface of the Earth for thousands of years now. How do we know that when once we breakthrough into their territory that they won’t take us as a threat? I’m just worried that we’ll upset the natural balance between human and Mole Per­son.”

Multiple gatherings have already been planned on the Green Space in order to combat Ennis’ anti-Mole Person com­ments, as well as any other criti­cisms about Mole People joining human classrooms.

The breakthrough into the Mole People’s winding cavern of tunnels burrowed SNHU’s cam­pus is tentatively planned for the first day of April.

It has been announced that Paul LeBlanc himself will be standing at the entrance to the cave system personally handing out SNHU’s accepted student welcome boxes and extra bingo cards to any Mole Person that wanders to the surface.

Tyler Leighton
Tyler is a four year member of the Penmen Press. He is a masters student and will be graduating in the Spring. Tyler has a passion for writing Arts and Entertainment articles and has maintained a weekly recommendation of Netflix’s greatest in his reoccurring feature, "Netflick of the Week."